Birthday Party Planning: My Maiden Voyage

One of my new responsibilities as a mom is party planning. I feel like most women know how to throw a party before they ever have children, but it just isn’t my forte. Hospitality in general is a weakness of mine. The idea of hosting a party intimidates me, possibly even terrifies me. But my child has to have a first birthday party. While I was reluctant for years to tap in to the power of Pinterest, it has now become a valuable resource. I, of course, proceed with caution so as not to become overwhelmed by a personal expectation to throw a Pinterest-perfect party.

As I discussed in my last post, I am trying to identify my limits and to implement certain boundaries and guidelines in order to prevent overload. Planning Molly’s birthday party has led to two personal decisions that I intend to make this time every year:

1. “Begin as you mean to go.”

I stole this line from the book On Becoming Baby Wise by Ezzo and Bucknam. It refers to feeding, scheduling, and training babies, but I realized it applies to this too. A couple months ago, I was having a conversation with a friend about Molly being almost nine months old. This friend of mine asked if I had been planning Molly’s birthday party. She was surprised when I told her that I would start the planning process in the near future. She said, “You really need to get on that!” As a result of that conversation, I began to feel the party planning pressure.

Now, I’m not a procrastinator; I like to get a head start on projects. I had made a deliberate choice to start planning Molly’s party at a particular date. The conversation with my friend forced me to consider the length of time I expected to spend planning not only Molly’s first birthday party but also every party following this one, including those of any siblings she might have.

I was reminded of what another friend of mine had suggested one year ago when we were discussing professional photography for our children. Since I was in the middle of establishing a realistic budget for our family, I was trying to determine the cost and frequency of having professional photo sessions done for Molly. She advised me to think long-term. She said, “Try to do for your first child what you’ll be able to continue with future children.” She used baby books as an example and pointed out that first children usually have so many more “artifacts”. Also, she was telling me to think of how much money that would end up costing us in the long run.

While it would be completely fine to begin coming up with ideas for Molly’s party far in advance, I realized that I shouldn’t begin the official process so early. This is important for me because I don’t just do a little here and a little there. When I begin a project, I become absolutely consumed by it until it’s completed. I thought: I could begin planning Molly’s party three months in advance and do the same for all her birthday parties after that. Then, I would have to do this for any other children who might come along. So, even if we have only two children, I will be spending six months out of the year planning birthday parties. Then there are holidays to plan for! And milestone adult birthdays and anniversaries!

That is NOT what I want for my future. This might be an extra special party because it’s Molly’s first, but wouldn’t the others end up being just as special, if not more so, because she’s older and she’ll actually remember them and have opinions about them? And if her first birthday party blows all the other future parties out of the water, I will just feel guilty for not putting as much time and effort into them.

Like I said, I proceed with caution when using Pinterest as an idea board. I look at those incredible pictures of the decorations and tables, and I choose only a few details to reproduce at my party…(ahem) I mean, Molly’s party. In fact, after making my list of decorations, I had to go back and delete some items so that it would be manageable for me. I have to consider the strain a birthday party could potentially have on both me and our budget.

Setting boundaries based on my limitations is key.

2. Consider the ultimate goal.

I, like most women I know, struggle with the need to please others. The realization that guests will be attending pushes me to attempt planning something that will impress. To be honest, I actually think about how I can prove myself. Prove that I am creative. Prove that I can still find the time to take care of Molly, keep the house clean, and throw a great birthday party. And this is a REALLY bad thought I’ve had: It would be great if this party would motivate others to try a little harder. (I most definitely planned to post party pics on Facebook so that EVERYONE could be privy to my greatness.)

Aaaaaaaah!!! It’s awful to see those thoughts in writing. Sickening. They’re not really even complete thoughts when they’re flying through my mind. Just milliseconds. And if everyone is honest, they think them too. I’m recalling James 3:14: “But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.” There. I’m not denying the ugliness that sometimes surfaces within my heart. I could write a book about how this attitude stems from insecurity, but Beth Moore already did that. ;)

Obviously Molly is not going to remember her first birthday party. She doesn’t care about the color scheme or the type of food or the invitation design. So why does any of it really matter?

It matters to me. It matters to her family. People celebrate with food and decorations. People appreciate a celebratory ambience. I believe these things go together to aid the conversations and personal interactions that occur at a party. It’s easy to become envious of those who can host a Pinterest-perfect party. But I’ve attended those parties, and I’ve learned to appreciate them because all of those details—along with the cozy blanket of hospitality—promoted a sense of camaraderie and contentment. I’ve accepted that I don’t have the skills that some of my friends have. But I know that I can do some of those things, and since it’s important to me, I will incorporate them.

The purpose of this party is to celebrate making it through the first year of our daughter’s life. It’s to celebrate the gift of Molly—that God chose us to be her parents and that He allowed us to have that first year together. It’s to thank God for growing Molly and for growing our faith and trust in Him. It’s to remember what He has done—His faithfulness to us. It’s also to recommit ourselves to the raising of Molly in a godly manner. It’s so her extended family can be witnesses to this commitment. It’s to celebrate the opportunity that her whole family was given to be a part of her first year of life. It’s so that we can tell Molly as she grows up that she is loved.

So there you have it. Planning Molly’s first birthday party has led me to consider my limitations and my heart. Since this is the first real party I’ve thrown, I can set a precedent now in order to keep myself from getting carried away with my time, energy, money, and emotions.

And since God made us to be celebratory creatures, I will try to plan a party that honors Him—invitations, decorations, food, and all!

The "Home Manager" Perspective

As I’ve been trying to get the hang of my new routine this past 10 ½ months, I’ve attempted to implement what I’ve learned about maintaining balance in every area of my life. Thanks to books, sermons, studies, and advice from “wise counsel”, I’ve learned quite a bit about prioritizing, organizing, scheduling, and maintaining sanity while also answering God’s calling for my life. And while the areas in my life are far from perfect, thanks to the Lord Almighty, I’ve never before felt so “balanced”.  This balance is a result of the new perspective I have.

I’ve learned that I’m the kind of person who needs a clear purpose for the day; I turn everything into a project or assignment. Then I take that task very seriously. This has really benefited me. (It has its downfalls as well. I sometimes feel that just sitting on the floor playing with Molly is unproductive. It takes a lot of self-talk to remind myself of what my ultimate purpose for staying home is.) I’ve discovered that I’m the kind of stay-at-home mom who has to view my role as a job (although I know it’s so much more than that). This view may change, but right now I consider myself the “Home Manager”. When I think of that as my title and consider my job description, it makes me so excited to be home. When I look at my schedule for the day and see my to-do list, I become energized and motivated. It probably sounds crazy to some. (I make sure to spread my to-dos throughout the week so that it’s not overwhelming each day. Thankfully I figured out early on what I can handle.)

Before anyone thinks that staying home must be super easy for me, please know that my mood and my attitude are still a little unstable. I can easily become discouraged, frustrated, and discontent. It’s a moment-by-moment thing for me, and this is why I have to keep an open line of communication between God and me throughout the day.

I kind of feel like I did back when I was student teaching. At that time, I couldn’t really draw any conclusions about what kind of teacher I was or what approach/style suited me. I was just experimenting and slowly figuring it all out. Of course, I continued to change and to tweak my methods as the years went on. As a student teacher, I felt like a baby, not really knowing anything. I guess I had the head knowledge but had absolutely no idea of how it would look when I applied it.

This being a stay-at-home mom thing feels the same. I think I see my parenting style beginning to develop. My identity as a mom is emerging, and my identity as a wife is evolving. Like I mentioned earlier, I now see myself as the Home Manager. Obviously Dave is the leader, but I keep everything running smoothly (smooth like a fine gravel road, not a newly paved one). So far I like my new job. I was able to transfer my passion for managing the classroom to a passion for managing my home. Just as I had to write out lesson plans for the week, I now sit down to write out my plans—errands, appointments, lunches, dinners, chores—for my week at home.

There is so much for me to learn, so many areas in my life that I need to work on. I am not writing this to teach anyone anything. In fact, my ideas on this Home Manager perspective could change drastically by next week! This post is not really organized. I started typing it with a whole different issue on my mind, and then it led to this. My purpose in writing this is to document the learning process that is taking place in this crazy head of mine. I want to be able to look back and see where God has taken me and how His wisdom grew within me.

More to come, hopefully!

:(

When it comes from your own breast, it is okay to literally cry over spilt milk.

Ugh.

New Year's Resolutions

I’ve never really set New Year’s resolutions before, and that’s mainly because I’ve always set new school-year resolutions. Because I’m a school teacher, my life has been measured by school years since I was five years old. However, the school year didn’t happen for me this year, and I wasn’t about to make new resolutions when I had just had a new baby. Four and half months later, I’m finally getting my life under control after it was ripped apart and then made into something entirely new. (That’s really how it felt.) Therefore, this is a great time to make new goals.

I have several areas in my life where I plan to improve. I might be setting myself up for failure by choosing so many things. It’s typically better to work on one at a time. I might regret it later, but I think it will work this way. After all, many of the areas go hand-in-hand. They include: budgeting, managing time, exercising, eating healthier, and staying organized. I believe that all of those things, except eating healthier, fall under the category of managing my time. When my time is managed well, I have time to stick with my organizational plan, which then allows me to be intentional about budgeting and recording our expenses. I can also fit in exercise when my time isn’t being mismanaged.

Determining my New Year’s resolutions led me to three specific thoughts which have been weighing heavily on my mind this last week.

Thought #1

(The following was posted to Facebook): So I was thinking about my New Year's resolutions (which I've never really done before). They're the same as most people's: budgeting, exercising, eating healthier, and managing time. These are the areas in which most people agree need improvement. It's funny and a little sad that these things are definitely first-world problems. According to statistics, everyone I personally know falls in the top 10% of the world's wealth, and we have trouble managing it. We have to find time to exercise because our daily physical tasks aren't demanding enough. We have so many foods (mostly fake) to choose from that we struggle to choose the right ones. And because newer technologies have helped us save so much time, we become frustrated when we can't add in all the "extras" we've created. Also, many of us use that extra time we have to work more so that we can pay for our new technology.

I'm not saying we're wrong for struggling in these areas; it's just something to think about.

"Prosperity offers a greater test of character than does adversity."

Thought #2

I love getting rid of things. I think I get an adrenaline rush from cleaning out closets and making piles of donate/future yard sale items. It makes me feel good, as if I’m doing a good deed. I used to adhere to a personal rule—one that I loosely follow today. If I bought three new shirts, I got rid of three old shirts. If I bought a pair of shoes, I got rid of a pair of shoes. The rule began as a way to solve my problem of limited closet space in our first house, but I realized that it was just a good rule to have. I feel a sense of happiness—and yes, even peace—when I open a dresser drawer and there are only a few articles of clothing folded up inside. It’s definitely not wrong to have possessions, but having too much really does just make life crazier and more chaotic.

I was thinking about this today as I was putting away Christmas decorations and new Christmas presents. I decided that I needed to get rid of some things, and I got very excited. But a thought occurred to me: “So what then? Does this cycle keep repeating until I die? I buy or accumulate as much as I want and just get rid of older stuff?” We made over $700 at our yard sale this past June, and I already have a pile of things for the next yard sale. Granted, it’s a small pile and it will take a while before we have enough for another sale. Now, it makes sense with some things. Clearing out books to make room for new ones. Selling children’s clothes that no longer fit to pay for new ones. But the number of household goods that I dispose of just because I got tired of them and wanted something new—well, it makes me a little sick. Especially when I add up the price I paid for all of those items.

I’m a slave to consumerism! That’s what this is called. It definitely doesn’t help that HGTV—the beloved channel and inspirational magazine—tell me that I need to change out my décor seasonally. In my opinion, it’s not wrong to buy new things or to get tired of the old ones. But I can limit the amount of stuff I buy. So, to go with my new year’s resolution of budgeting…just don’t buy as much! Of course, that’s easier said than done. There are some underlying issues that go along with this type of self-control. As a Christ follower, I know that this is a spiritual matter for me. When I start to want new but very unnecessary things, my prayer will be, “Make me content.” Before I purchase something, my thought will be, “Is this purchase going to honor God or pull me further away from Him?” (Based on my personal experiences, I firmly believe that when I spend more in order to be content, my spiritual life goes downhill. I’ve proven this repeatedly.)

I’ll continue to buy new clothing when what I have goes out of style. I’ll buy new décor when what I have also goes out of style. I’ll even buy new (inexpensive) jewelry to go with new outfits. (But not to go with just one outfit. That’s crazy!) I guess I’m blessed to have a somewhat bland taste in clothing and that I don’t love change. I’ve realized that I don’t like to change my décor with the seasons. In fact, I have plans to make an “all-seasons” wreath. I don’t want to change my wreath unless it’s Christmas! I also never rearrange my furniture. This personality trait will prove to be beneficial in the contentment department. J

Really, though…if you struggle with being content, just ask God to make you content. It sounds way too easy, but take it from me; every time I’ve prayed for contentment, I become happy with the ways things are!

Thought #3

I was thinking about all of this again when a third thought struck me. How many times do I easily justify my actions? “I don’t intend…”, “It’s just the culture I grew up in…”, “I work hard so I deserve…”. I was actually in the shower when I was thinking about this consumerism culture when I concluded, “But we innocently do it.” I might have even said it out loud. And then immediately, another thought, “Once you have the knowledge, you’re no longer innocent.” Belonging to this culture makes it harder for me, but it doesn’t make it okay. To buy more because I’m discontent is not okay. To over-schedule myself is not okay. To mismanage the money that GOD has allowed me to have is not okay. Once the truth has been revealed—even if it’s a quickly passing thought—I am responsible for my actions.

I was reminded of the New Year’s resolutions two of my friends shared on Facebook—one from a Christian and one not. They were very similar. Both wanted to be PURPOSEFUL and INTENTIONAL when making decisions. They wanted to consider the consequences of their actions—the consequences that affect themselves, those around them, and people they don’t even know. It’s sad that we make so many decisions without thinking or caring about the consequences, even the ones on a global level. The reason I noted that one of the friends is not a Christian is because if people who do not follow Christ recognize the importance of this concept, then how much more Christ followers should as well!

Lumping all of my New Year’s resolutions in one category, I’d say that the ultimate goal for me in 2015 is to make each decision with eternity in mind.

Baby Boone Beginnings (I love alliteration.)

I was so terrified of my little baby. How could something so small create so much fear within me?

I’ve intended to post so many more times than I have. I definitely wanted to have a well thought-out and well written post about having Molly. It was going to be so inspirational! But immense fear and total sleep deprivation rendered me a wreck of a human being. People often compare themselves to a zombie when explaining feelings of exhaustion, but I didn’t know what that actually felt like until coming home from the hospital. During the weeks following Molly’s birth, I knew I was alive but I felt completely dead. Fear, frustration, anxiety, exhaustion, disappointment, and sadness consumed me. My friends had warned me of the negative feelings that come along with having a baby. Don’t get me wrong; I felt happy and relieved and maybe even a little elated, but the good feelings just didn’t outweigh the bad.

The hospital experience was long and drawn out. That sure didn’t help the sleepless nights at home that would follow. Many pregnancy resources suggest to have a birth plan but to remain flexible because there’s no telling what’s going to happen. I didn’t even bother coming up with a birth plan. I figured that’s what the midwives were for. Well, I’m sure glad I didn’t waste my time! Five full days in the hospital is definitely not what we would have planned. The multiple methods of induction—with many of the tries failing—would have also not been a part of the plan. I was unprepared for the immediate and excruciating contractions on the first day, severe back pain, the shockingly messy breaking of my water, and every other uncomfortable, disgusting occurrence. I quickly learned that privacy and modesty do not exist when it comes to child birth.

Unfortunately, my body just wasn’t ready to have Molly. I don’t think we made the wrong decision about the induction. She was a week overdue, and we tried everything to induce. We could have kept trying on that last day, but then we would have risked an emergency C-section. We scheduled a normal C-section, and Molly arrived 30 minutes later. Because of all the wonderful drugs, I had the most difficult time staying awake as I met Molly for the first time and tried to feed her. Dave had to hold her for the first hour or two while I slept. That overwhelming feeling of exhaustion at the very beginning would be a great introduction to the first three months of my new life.

Molly is now four and a half months old. What I feel when I look at her is completely different than what I felt looking at my week-old baby. It’s not difficult to recall my thoughts and feelings in that first month. But, wow! It feels so long ago. Four months in my “normal” life would fly by, and despite what people say, these first four months have been LONG. Nothing about it has flown by. Waking up with Molly at night feels like a lifetime ago. I remember by stomach hurting from anxiety every time she woke up—day and night—and every time I had to feed her. She never learned to latch properly. After feeding her with a syringe for a week, we decided to give her a bottle. Never having nursed before, this caused me great fear and gave me a sense of failure. It was so frustrating. Therefore, sadly, I wasn’t excited about my new little baby. And my lack of excitement made me feel like a bad mother; I was worried that Molly and I would not be able to bond with one another.

Molly woke twice during the night for only a few days. After that, she would wake up once. I had the opportunity to sleep for four hours at a time. Because Molly was being fed with a bottle, there were many nights that Dave offered to feed her so that I could get enough rest. However, just because I had the opportunity to sleep does not mean that I was able to. Before I fell asleep each night and every time I woke up, I was so nervous that Molly would wake up and need fed. I was unable to fall back asleep; I lay there for hours dreading the moment she began to cry, even when she never did.

The sleep deprivation was almost unbearable. My lack of energy led to many disagreements with Dave and an overall feeling of helplessness (even though Dave helped me a LOT). I couldn’t help but wonder why we had decided to have a baby. I grieved for a life lost—an easy, selfish, and boring life. (Before Molly, I was actually tired of being so bored that I decided it was time to share my life and have a baby!) When Dave was at work and I was at home alone with Molly, I was bored from spending time with her when she was awake. Ugh! I hate that those were my thoughts. I still feel somewhat guilty about it. I shouldn’t tell people that that was actually going through my mind, but here I am writing about it for all the world to see.

If someone is experiencing the same feelings and happens to stumble across this post, may she feel encouraged by these sad, hopeless words. Because it doesn’t end here! Thank God for friends who were totally honest with me about how they felt after having a baby. Some said they felt this way for six weeks, some for three months. A couple of people even admitted to me that they disliked the whole first year. It was encouraging because I know these people where they are now—happy and content, madly in love with their children. Everyone told me it was just a season, just a phase. It truly is hard to believe when you’re in the middle of it. It feels like the phase will never end, and then it does.

It’s incredible how closely linked a person’s physical life and spiritual life are. I felt like I was dying physically and spiritually. I realized that as bad as I felt, I shouldn’t have such a negative attitude about it. For a while, I justified my attitude and believed that the sleep deprivation and pregnancy hormones gave me an excuse to be completely negative. I acted angry with God as I begged Him continuously to give me rest. I was a bit frightened that I was responding so poorly to having a baby, not knowing what other extreme circumstances could take place in my future. I remember the time and place when God revealed to me the seriousness of my attitude and that while He welcomes my honest thoughts, it is not His will for me to become a slave to them.

God kept reminding me of the Scripture that I stumbled upon while in the hospital waiting for Molly.

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  – 2 Corinthians 12:7b-10

I had cried when friends came to visit, when talking to my mom on the phone, when people at church asked how I was doing, at my doctor’s appointments, at Molly’s doctor’s appointments, and when I couldn’t fall asleep at night. I was a complete mess. After medication had been suggested to me, Dave and I made the decision together that that was not what I needed because post-partum depression wasn’t what I had (and my doctor agreed with me). I believe it was mostly sleep deprivation with a little hormonal craziness. Thanks be to God; because of prayer, our commitment to the Baby Wise approach (based on the book On Becoming Baby Wise by Ezzo and Bucknam [Don’t listen to the criticism about this approach. It worked for us and for the 15+ families we know who used it. Their grown children aren’t scarred. Molly sleeps through the night. We sleep. I feel like I’ve returned from the dead, and now I can actually enjoy my baby. That’s what matters]), Bible reading, and exercise, I am alive again!

Conclusion:

It does feel weird, though, to think back to those first weeks and picture that little wrinkly baby sitting in her bouncy chair in her dark bedroom with the glow of the nightlight as I lay on the futon after feeding her, waiting for her crying to end so that I could try to fall back asleep. I was so scared, not knowing what to do. I had no previous experience with babies, and honestly, a lot about motherhood does not come naturally to me. Over time, I realized that I could put her back into her crib crying, that I could sleep in my own bed, and that she would learn to “self-soothe” (a technique also highly criticized in the mommy-blog world. I’ve been amazed by how hateful, critical, and accusatory moms can be online!). After two and a half months and knowing that Molly no longer needed to be fed at night, we implemented the Dr. Ferber method of sleep training. It’s a time progression method to allow a baby to cry until she falls back to sleep. I was amazed by how well it worked. It took us about seven days of an average of about 5 minutes of crying, which is more days than most babies! Now when Molly wakes up at night, she can fall back asleep without crying.

I also learned to accept that Molly couldn’t latch and I gave up trying. I embraced my decision to pump exclusively and told myself that pumping seven times a day was normal. I don’t think it would be wrong to feed my baby formula. I really considered that option and may choose it in the future, but for now, I’m at peace with pumping. I’m down to five pumps a day and it’s working well for us.

At six weeks, Molly began to smile, and since then, she’s developed quite a personality. Spending time with her and playing is now fun for me. Feeding her is satisfying. Changing her diaper is hilarious. Putting her sad little face down for a nap isn’t [always] heartbreaking. Buckling her in the car seat isn’t torturous for either of us. Taking her for a walk in the stroller doesn’t involve screaming. Bathing her is no longer scary. Even [very quick] trips to the mall are much easier and even enjoyable.

I’m a routine-oriented person—to the extreme. My lesson planning days of teaching are over, but does that mean that I can’t have a daily homemaking plan? In the summers, I’ve always written out a schedule (by the half hour!) of what my plan is for the entire day. I’m not doing that now, though I wish I could. I realize the importance of remaining flexible. It’s hard to anticipate the heaping reward I might find in Molly’s cloth diaper (because she’s decided that every three days is a good poop schedule for her). But I have developed a predictable schedule for both her and me. Showers, exercise, cleaning, cooking, lunch, quiet times, and even reading, knitting, and checking e-mail/Facebook have a special place in my day. I’m still trying to balance and prioritize each thing, but I’ve come a long way.

The hellish months have passed, and I feel normal again. I still struggle with anxiety (and probably always will), but my emotions are much more under control. I enjoy my baby Molly. So, new moms out there, it does get better! This is only season!

Now I’m looking forward to my future as I bask in the present.

And I focus on my new year’s resolutions which include budgeting, eating healthier, exercising, and having better posture. Yikes!

Brain Exercise

I just realized something about memorizing Scripture. And the same is probably true about any kind of activity that involves a lot of brain work. After spending an uninterrupted amount of time memorizing verses, I feel so good. Of course, accomplishment is one of those feelings, but I just realized that I feel like I have more energy. In the mornings after my walk (and sadly, I didn't walk this morning), my body feels tired and sticky, yet I feel so much more awake, energetic, and ready to clean the entire house. That's what physical exercise does to the body.


After finally completing the first chapter of 1 Peter, I was up and ready to tackle more brain activity. So I finally pulled my bright yellow Rosetta Stone box off the bookshelf, and now it's in the process of installing on my laptop. It's about time considering that it's been almost a year since I ordered it. It was also my main summer goal. However, my mind has been consumed with preparing for Baby that it's basically turned to mush. My brain seems to only be able to take so much reading of sleep schedules, calming techniques, nursing positions, basic baby care, the top 10 strollers, the top 10 baby carriers, the top 10 diaper bags, how to make your own baby food, swaddling, types of cloth diapers, discussion board after discussion board, and about one million reviews for products. I know it's crazy, but I really thought I would get so much more accomplished this summer. I had personal goals to achieve before the baby arrives--things that I figured would never get done once she's here.


A few days ago, I finally (I looked in the thesaurus and there's not really an equivalent word for "finally" so I'm using it AGAIN) buckled down and became more purposeful about my daily quiet times with God. I used to be more focused and have more specific tasks during this time. So I continued to memorize 1 Peter. It feels so good to actually accomplish something. Like I mentioned earlier, I am now ready to begin Rosetta Stone. I just hope I stick with it. I have no idea what to expect with a new baby in the house. I wonder how long it will be before I can continue learning a new language. I've been so afraid that staying home with children will turn my brain to mush, and I want to be able to keep my body and mind in shape. This blog post will be evidence of when I started, and I'll return to it to see if I've been anywhere near successful--with both Rosetta Stone and Scripture memorization.


Oh darn. I just read this sentence from the Quick Start guide: "You MUST begin the online features within 6 months of purchasing."


Guess I won't be getting my money's worth.

Pure Joy

Something monumental happened this past weekend. Like one of those earth-shattering moments that will never be forgotten. It was just a simple thought that I had, but it was a spiritual and emotional Mount Everest. And I conquered it!

Some people may have absolutely no issue in this area, but I did. I am wary of Scripture verses like the following: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds…” (James 1: 2)

Verses that discuss thankfulness for hardships and boasting about suffering cause me to pause. It’s not that I disagree with them. I just tell myself that what they really mean is to thank God for how He got me through those trials, to rejoice in what He taught me, and to believe that I will be stronger in the end. My “trials” in life would include those in my childhood—things that really scarred me—and poor choices I made in high school and college. I always firmly believed that while I appreciated the person I’ve become because of those, I would rather not have had those things happen to me. I always wished that I didn’t come from a “broken” home (divorced, that is, because it really did seem to me to be much more stable than the homes of most people I knew). I always wished that my “stepmom” was really my birth mom. I wished that I could go back and fix the mistakes I made as a young adult. I would have never said that I was glad all of that happened.

Until this past weekend.

I wish I could remember what song we were singing at the women’s retreat, and I really don’t have much to say about this particular event. But for me, it was life-altering. The words of the song must have made some kind of reference to a person’s past, because it made me think of the person I am today and why I am that person. I am who I am because of the events of my past—good or bad. I’ve known that.

The thought that I had was, “Oh my gosh. I really am thankful for everything I’ve been through. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing! I’m glad the bad happened to me, and I’m glad I made the bad choices.” (It’s hard to explain because I’m not happy about the sin itself.) I’ve imagined what my life would be like if it could be the way I described above—a perfect family and a perfect past. I’ve known that if this were the case, I would be a different person. I might not have anxiety. I might be more gentle-spirited. I might be less dramatic. I thought it actually would be better if I had a different personality.

The fact that I can honestly admit that I wouldn’t change a thing about my life shows that I finally like who I am! I know it sounds like something from a preadolescent novel. But really, how many adults still haven’t accepted—or never will accept—the person God intended them to be? Now that I realize God likes me this way and that He planned for me to be this way, I really can thank Him for my circumstances in life.

Yay! My trials have brought “pure joy”!

(I am so grateful that God taught me this profound life lesson because I know that He is preparing me. Life will bring many more trials and tribulations, and now I can look back on this moment and be instantly filled with comfort, peace, and trust in the midst of doubt, uncertainty, and dread.)

Looking Beyond Myself

I’m so thankful God has been teaching me so many things lately. For months, I’ve felt stagnant and He has seemed quiet. Of course, I haven’t really been listening.

I’m amazed that when God teaches me one thing, I find so many parallels to it in other areas, such as other studies, conversations, sermons, songs, etc. For example, I felt that my last blog post didn’t make sense. I didn’t know how to articulate what I learned last Monday and how the answer came about. My answer for my seasonal depression came through my focus on social justice. When I later explained what I had learned to Dave, I knew it must seem confusing, but it made sense to me.

After reciting James and reading 7 by Jen Hatmaker, these were the truths that stuck out to me:

“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” – James 1:27

“But you have insulted the poor. Is it not the rich who are exploiting you?” –James 2:6a

“Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, “Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” –James 2:15-16

“You have hoarded wealth in the last days…You have lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence. You have fattened yourselves in the day of slaughter.” –James 3b, 5

“…what if we downsized to 50 percent, bringing fresh meaning to Jesus’ command to “love our neighbor as ourselves?” –Jen Hatmaker

“While it is easy to become paralyzed by the world’s suffering and the inequalities created by corruption and greed, we actually hold immense power for change, simply by virtue of our wealth and economic independence. Because we decide where our dollars go.” –Jen Hatmaker

The link between my seasonal depression and social justice made more sense after reviewing Chapter 16 of So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore. I love how God confirms something He has already taught me. Like the previous three times I’ve read Beth Moore’s book, I got to the end and wondered how it was possible to get rid of something as deeply rooted as insecurity. What is the answer? (It’s important to note that many issues we struggle with go hand-in-hand. I am struggling with depression, anxiety, and insecurity. I believe depression and anxiety are by-products of chronic insecurity.) I must be reminded that insecurity is a type of self-centeredness. In Chapter 16, Beth Moore shares something her daughter wrote after returning from mission work overseas. Her daughter ends with this:

So this is my prayer today: that time won’t have its typical way with me. That the sharp edge of the sting I feel deep in my soul won’t ever be dulled or alleviated.

Beth Moore adds, “She realized that…she’d never be healed of her self-centeredness until she was wounded irreparably with love for an aching world.” In this chapter, which is rightfully titled “A Passion to Look Past Ourselves”, she challenges readers with the question: What is your passion? “To find yourself, your true, secure self, you must lose yourself in something larger.”

That’s the answer. My feelings of depression, anxiety, and insecurity occur because I’m focusing on myself. Like I mentioned in the last blog post, when I focus on others and on my purpose in this world, there is no room for depression. 

The chapter ends with Isaiah 58:6-11. Several of those verses came to mind last Monday on the treadmill. 

Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter?…Then your light will break forth like the dawn, AND YOUR HEALING WILL QUICKLY APPEAR…” (emphasis mine)

Thank you, Lord, for being so clear with me.

But there’s more to the answer. In today’s sermon at church, Ben Tuel spoke of adoption and what this means to Christians. God has adopted us as His sons and daughters and we share in the inheritance. Our identity has changed. Ben said that when we recognize our true identity, it will change how we go about things. To completely understand our true identity, we must shift the focus from ourselves to Christ. Again, the focus is not on me. It’s on God and others.

So this is what it boils down to…

Jesus replied, “’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hand on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:37-40 (emphasis mine)

God used the Book of James, the book 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker, the book So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore, and sermons by Seth Broadhurst and Ben Tuel to reiterate the very words Jesus spoke to the crowds in response to the Sadducees and Pharisees, His words which are recorded in Matthew 22. How cool is that?

Now I’m looking forward to where God takes me from here.

A Season of Depression

I’ve been depressed for quite a few months now. I can tell because the simplest tasks seem so daunting. I dread having to put a few dishes in the dishwasher, so cleaning an entire kitchen seems unbearable. The other day I almost broke down in tears out of despair over having to fold two loads of clean laundry. It was enough for me to get the clothes from the washer to the dryer. I’ve known something hasn’t been right.

There is a very plausible explanation for this common depression. Several factors have influenced these feelings, and they’re all entirely circumstantial. One, I am the kind of person who thrives on consistency, normalcy, and routine. The depression started shortly after we moved into our new house and is a by-product of all the anxiety the unfinished home improvement projects have caused. From the major renovations to the minute details, the slow progress (and I’m using “slow” only because it hasn’t been immediate) has made me feel crazy.

Two, I am greatly affected by the weather, and winters are always hard on me. The lack of sunshine and the cold really do make me feel sad and depressed. This is nothing new. However, this winter has been one of the coldest and snowiest that I’ve ever experienced (since living in Alaska, that is). Being a teacher who doesn’t have to work when the roads are bad hasn’t helped any. This is another way that my need for consistency and routine hasn’t been met. A few snow days here and there are a nice respite, but after 18 snow days, not to mention all of the two-hour delays, I feel like I can’t get my act together. The two days we had abundant sunshine in February, I felt energetic, enthusiastic, and happy.

Three, I’m pregnant. With pregnancy come thoughts and concerns that I never had before. Am I eating healthy enough? How will I decorate the nursery? Will the home projects be finished in time? What kinds of things will I have to buy? Can we afford for me to stay home with the baby? How do I parent? Why is this world such a bad place? My mind is all over the place. And I haven’t been sleeping well, which leads to low energy and fatigue, which can also lead to depression. Truly, I feel like my anxiety over having a baby has been pretty low. I don’t worry about it very much. But regardless of whether or not I think about it a lot, pregnancy does cause hormone changes which I believe is not helping the depression.

Four, my daily quiet times and other spiritual disciplines haven’t been consistent. I don’t know why I would expect life to be normal for me when I’m not spending regular time with God reading His Word and communicating with Him. This is an obvious one.

Like I said, I’ve known for a while that I’ve been depressed and there are good reasons for it. But on Sunday, God reminded me of something. During one of the songs at church, and I don’t remember which one, I was reminded that God is bigger than my feelings. A thought dawned on me: I have surrendered to the depression because the depression is normal and it makes sense considering the circumstances. And really, I don’t know if it’s necessarily wrong to feel the way I do. But none of those circumstances compare to God’s power. While reading Galatians, I was reminded that I am not a slave to sin and that I have freedom in Christ. I thought: What does that mean to me? What does it mean to not be a slave to sin or to the Law? What does it mean to have freedom in Christ? It means that while I am dealing with certain situations and while it is completely natural to feel depressed, I don’t have to feel this way. That’s what God laid on my heart on Sunday morning. Thankfully, at that moment, I wasn’t concerned with the how. I didn’t wonder how to be delivered from it or what I could do to fix it. I was only focused on the fact that I don’t have to be depressed.

I am thankful that today was a snow day. I was able to spend quite a bit of time with God. First, I recited James and memorized more of 1 Peter. And here’s my reiteration of how important it is to MEMORIZE SCRIPTURE. What power! What encouragement! Just practicing those two books this morning rejuvenated me more than anything else possibly could have. Then, I read more of 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker. The truths she discusses in her book go right along with James’s letter in the New Testament. This led to a very lengthy prayer on the treadmill, where I asked God to keep my focus on Him and to help me make every decision in life with a Christian worldview, always aware of the sufferings taking place in this world. I was fully aware of my materialism, especially when it comes to my house. I admitted to God that I have a difficult time balancing a hobby of decorating and home improvements with selfless spending and generosity. My main hobby and interest leans heavily toward materialism and consumerism. The reality is my main hobby and interest has played a major role in my anxiety and depression. The Scripture recitation, the chapter in the book I read, and the dialogue I had with God in prayer on the treadmill reminded me that I am to “live a life worthy of the calling”. And it’s a high calling—one of sacrifice and self-denial, one that requires me to continually be aware of others. When I maintain this Christian worldview to make decisions, there is no room for depression.

So while my mind worked its way from depression to social justice, this is the thought that stood out the most: When I am completely filled with Christ, THERE IS NO ROOM FOR DEPRESSION. The kicker is that I have allow it. I have to take action. I have to focus on Him and others, not on me. 

I am ready and willing to enter back into regular communion with Christ, to communicate with Him more frequently, and to be selfless in my decisions. I am not going to surrender to depression just because there are good reasons to. I don’t have to. Because of my freedom in Christ, I have the power to choose.

Another thought I had about Scripture memorization (something I talk about a LOT): 

Some people think the discipline of memorizing Scripture is completely legalistic. But I realized today that it is about trust and love. I memorize Scripture because I trust God at His word. I trust that the words are living and active, powerful and life-changing. Every word of His is precious to me because He loves me and I love Him. Just as a person treasures a love letter from a sweetheart, to the point of having each word memorized, I treasure each word God has given to me. I could give reasons why we need to memorize Scripture. I could point out various verses that mention the importance of meditating on His word, of having it planted in our hearts. But it comes down to a personal desire to know Him more. And I have never felt like I know Him more than when I memorize His words. The power that the Scriptures had over my life just today as I was battling thoughts on my depression is further confirmation that this is what I’m supposed to do.