Holding Daddy's Hand

As I read through this post, I realize that this is what I mean by "musings". The following just contains thoughts I have about this summer and what Ive learned. I'm obviously not a professional writer, so please do not judge my writing style or lack thereof.

I had good intentions with my blog. I was really excited when I started it. But this summer has been very trying; I’ve been VERY frazzled. That is why I am so glad Lorrie Young decided to start a women’s study on the book “The Frazzled Female”.

So many circumstances have made my anxiety level skyrocket. Searching for a job, looking for a house, taking an extremely stressful class, and going to a part-time job I despise have all made me (or I’ve allowed them to cause me to) neglect my responsibilities as a wife and friend. I don’t ever cook dinner, I rarely clean, and I don’t keep in touch with people like I should, especially the friend for whom I will serve as matron of honor in a couple weeks. I knew this summer would be a trying time, and I’m so glad that today was my last day of the class. That’s a load off my shoulders. (Although just yesterday another issue arose, to which I will address in a moment.)

I must say that I’ve learned a great deal in my spiritual life. With all the stress that has built up, my relationship with God has not faltered. In fact, I’ve learned what it means to trust God and to trust Him with a joyful heart. I’ve learned that saying to God in the morning, “I trust that you have a specific job in mind for me and I look forward to that position whether it’s in a couple months or two years,” and then that evening complaining about the cruddy situation I’m in is not the meaning of putting my trust in God. I’m learned that only He can calm my anxious spirit. And I’ve been reminded of His constant presence in my life—including all the menial tasks in a day’s time, such as making phone calls, meeting with professors, and bidding on teaching positions. I’ve seen the difference between two consecutive days—one in which I do not seek God’s guidance for each task and the next in which I place them all entirely in His hands. I am very thankful to God that He uses all circumstances—great and small—to teach me of His character.

With that said, today has been a rather strange day. HIGH stress started it off. I gave myself a horrible headache from the stress, and from the afternoon until now, I’ve been dealing with a bad stomachache. I know this is from my anxiety. (And I know the three large blueberry pancakes with tons of syrup at Bob Evans did not help my situation.) I had to force myself to calm my heart. I played David Crowder music all through the house (part because this music calms me and part because I’m so flippin’ excited about the concert in November!) while doing chores. Then I had to literally kneel on the floor before God and silence my thoughts. I made myself dwell on Him and His goodness. Honestly, that was the first time I really knew what it meant to dwell on God and to think about Him. I thought about Him while it felt that I wasn’t really thinking at all. It worked quite well until Dave came home early and interrupted my spiritual moment.

It’s 10:40 p.m. right now—WAY past my bedtime. I just lay in bed for awhile not able to sleep because my mind was working overtime and my stomach was twisting with anxiety (over what, I do not know). I began to think about my day yesterday, and how circumstances occurred that were very unsettling. I thought about the meeting I had with a certain “higher-up” on campus that did not go well—how I was in tears and so entirely frustrated. I thought about how I truly gave it to God and prayed during the entire meeting. Afterward, I felt exactly how I felt when I was younger and things went badly. I still feel it all the time. Helpless, I want to run to my daddy and tell him that someone was mean to me and didn’t treat me well or that a situation was unfair. I realized as I got older that my dad did everything he could to fix all my problems. Sometimes I think he still can. I now experience the same thing with Dave. I run home and tell him all about my problems with hopes that he can solve them. But yesterday was different. Yesterday, I had Someone else to run to. I realized that all summer I’ve been running to Someone else. And all this time, He’s been taking care of me, calming my heart, guiding me. I realized that as I sat in the office of the Big Bad Wolf completely helpless, frustrated, and humiliated that God was holding my hand. The entire time, my Daddy has been holding my hand. I had run to Him, He had taken me by the hand, and He’s been guiding me along since. (This comforting thought brings the lyrics to “Praise and Adore” by Wavorly to mind: “And some live without it…” How sad that so many people do not realize that they can be held by the Creator.)

I believe everybody has that thorn in their side. Paul spoke of it. Maybe it was a physical handicap or a spiritual struggle; we don’t know. But I believe everybody has something they struggle with. I believe it’s for the purpose of learning what it means to let God heal us, to learn about total dependence on Him. I know mine is severe anxiety. I’ve dealt with it since I was a young child. And this very frazzling summer has reminded me that my difficult times can be thrilling—thrilling because I will see what God can do, and in it, I will see His glory revealed. Every day I’m reminded what Christ meant about giving abundant life. Abundant life is having peace in the midst of trials or frustrating circumstances.

“Count it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”