Glory Revealed

Recently, my aunt asked if she could have a copy of a paper I wrote in high school. She wanted the paper so she could share it with some people who she felt may benefit from reading it. For me, there were several things very special about this particular paper. First, it was written for my very first college writing course. Second, I received a 100 percent on it. Third, my instructor had only given a half dozen 100s in all his years of teaching. Even more significant was the actual content of the paper.

My senior year in high school was a very significant year for me. Most of you who know me have heard all about my background and growing up, so you understand when I say that I didn’t have the easiest childhood (although it was a very good one, thank God). The topic for this college assignment rested on this one question: What lesson do I need to learn before I can truly become an adult? Here was my chance to get a little personal.

I wrote that I needed to learn to forgive my mother for leaving when I was four years old. The paper went on to describe some of my experiences but was mostly about my feelings and attitudes I had toward my mother and myself as a result of those experiences. Fortunately, God blessed me with a great family and an amazing step-mom who became a real mom to me. Therefore, all through my years growing up, I thought I hadn’t been affected by those negative experiences in my early childhood. However, it was when I wrote that paper that I realized I really had been affected and that there were many underlying issues that had stemmed from my mother’s absence in my life.

And why am I writing a post about all this? I just thought it was interesting and very relieving to finally read that paper after five and a half years. Writing that paper required a great deal of effort, and it opened up my eyes to looking at things differently. But even since then, I’ve learned so much more and I now know I am completely over what happened when I was young.

It was really an e-mail I wrote to my aunt that I wanted to share: (And yes, I intended to just write a short post that had some of the thoughts from the e-mail, but I got a little lazy and have just decided to copy and paste it in.)

I just realized why it took me so long to send this paper. I really did have good intentions to get it to you as soon as possible. But I think I was subconsciously putting it off because I hadn't read the paper since around the time I wrote it. I was afraid it would bring back painful emotions. As I was typing it, I was surprised by how unaffected I was by it. Instead, I felt I was reading a paper written by someone else! I thought about how awful it would be to live with hurt and pain like that. In a way, it was refreshing to read. I realized how much I've changed since then. I no longer live with that pain! I think it was good to be reminded of that time. It made me think of a quote by the prominent Scottish minister Oswald Chambers that goes, "If human beings were not capable of depression, we would have no capacity for happiness and exaltation." I just thought I would share that quote because it's always meant a lot to me. Now I really understand what it means. (This e-mail would make a great blog post!)

By the way, this paper was written to finally admit that I needed to learn to forgive my mother. However, at the time the paper was written, I had not yet forgiven her. In fact, part of the paper says that if I could learn her reasons for doing what she did, I would learn to forgive her. The reality is, though, that I never did learn her reasons. I got no explanation from her. And I think many times in life, we will not know the reasons. I learned to forgive her anyway.
God is wonderful! He allowed these experiences to shape who I am. I don’t regret that any of that ever happened to me. I am very thankful for them. And again I think of the verse mentioned in the last post: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” –James 1:2-4

As I typed that verse, I finally understood the “consider it pure joy” part. I am actually joyful that those trials occurred. And it reminds me of another verse: “But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.” -1 Peter 4:13. Of course that verse has much deeper meaning, especially since I have never suffered like Christ. But it reminded me of last week when I read that for our small group study. I paid close attention to this: “so that you may be overjoyed WHEN his glory is revealed.” We must persevere in our trials because I believe we realize God’s plan when the trial is over. The joy may not come in the midst of our trials (although we can still have joy in our salvation which cannot be taken away). We may experience the joy after we’ve persevered through a bad experience, which is when we understand God’s divine plan. And it’s our understanding of this divine plan that is actually God’s glory being revealed.

Okay, I’m done.